Religious Jokes
Q: What was the Pope's first miracle?
A: He cured a ham.
Q: What was the Pope's second miracle?
A: He walked under water.
Q: What was the Pope's third miracle?
A: He made a lame man blind.
Moses trudges down Mt. Sinai, tablets in hand, and assembles the Israelites. When they're gathered, Moses announces, "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I got Him down to 10."
"What's the bad news?" a voice cries out in the crowd.
"Adultery is still in."
It's Good Friday, and Jesus is on the cross. All the disciples sit weeping at the foot of the hill. Suddenly, Peter hears the voice of Jesus calling out faintly, "Peter...Peter...come here, Peter...."
Peter leaps up, crying, "My master needs me!" He scrambles up the hill, only to be met by the Roman soldiers, who rough him up and send him rolling back down the hill.
As Peter lies there, he hears Jesus calling again, saying, "Peter...come here, Peter...."
Peter cries again, "My master needs me! Coming, Lord!"
This time, Peter makes it all the way to the foot of the cross before the Roman soldiers beat him up and send him rolling back down the hill again.
Once again, Peter hears Jesus calling his name. "Peter...where are you, Peter?"
"My master needs me!" Peter exclaims. Peter bulls his way up the hill, hurdles past the soldiers, throws a ladder up against the cross, and scrambles up the rungs. As the Romans are reaching to pull him down, Peter breathlessly asks, "Yes, Lord? What is it?"
"Peter...I can see your house from here, Peter...."
An American priest dies and goes to Heaven. He queues up to visit God, and when he's standing in front of him, the priest says he'd like to ask God a few questions about the future of the faith. God agrees.
"Will priests ever be allowed to marry?" the priest asks.
"Yes," God replies.
"Okay. Will there ever be women priests in the church?"
"Yes," God replies.
"And will there ever be an American Pope?"
"Yes," God replies. "But not while I'm alive."
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
Totally perplexed, Satan asked, "Well, may I ask why you're not?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
A man enters a confessional and admits that for years, he's been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he works.
"What did you take?" his priest asks.
"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest says. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Can you make a Novena?"
"I don't know, Father," the man replies. "But if you've got the plans, I can get the lumber."
Three men end up in line together at the pearly gates. St. Peter motions to the first one. "How did you die, sir?"
"Well, it's like this. I thought my wife might have been cheating on me. So, I came back to our condo early this afternoon without telling her. Sure enough, she was in the bedroom naked, and there were two half-empty wine glasses on the nightstand. I'm looking around and see the sliding door to the balcony off our kitchen wide open. So I look down, and there's one of my neighbors standing down below grabbing a smoke. I guess I just snapped, 'cause I pushed the refrigerator right out the door and off the balcony. Dropped it right on top of him. But all the stress and exertion...it gave me a heart attack."
St. Peter frowned. "We're going to have to look into that. Now," he said, motioning to the second man, "how did you die?"
The second man says, "I'm his neighbor. The wife won't let me smoke in our condo. So, all I do is go outside to have a cigarette, and the next thing I know, this refrigerator comes falling from the sky out of nowhere and lands right on top of me."
"I see," says St. Peter, nodding sympathetically. Noting the third man, he turns to him. "What about you, sir? How did you die?"
The man replies , "So, I'm minding my own business in this refrigerator...."
A construction site is right next to the local convent. Sister Margaret, overhearing the conversations between the workers, goes to her Mother Superior to complain about their language. "They're using all manner of foul words over there, Mother Superior!" she exclaims.
"Now, Sister Margaret," the Mother Superior says, "you shouldn't get too upset about their language. They're just simple, hard-working men who call a spade a spade."
"Oh no, they certainly don't," the nun replies with a nervous whisper. "They call it a 'fucking shovel'!"
An ambitious new sales rep for Wonder Bread travels to the Vatican and manages to finagle an audience with the Pope himself.
"Your Holiness," the rep says, "I have an offer I think may interest you. I've been authorized by my company to offer the Church a long-term sponsorship deal worth $1.2 billion. All you have to do is tweak the Lord's Prayer to read 'give us this day our daily Wonder Bread.' Do we have a deal?"
The pontiff replies, "My son, the Church could do much good with this money. But to potentially compromise one of the main creeds of our faith...I have to consult with my cardinals on such a grave matter as this."
"I understand; it's a big decision," the rep says, handing the Pope his business card. "You talk with the cardinals and let me know if we can do business."
The Pope nods solemnly and sees the rep out. Then he calls in all the cardinals. "Gentlemen," he says, "We have a great question before us. When does our contract with Pilsbury expire?"
One day God says to Adam, "Great news Adam! I'm going to create the perfect mate for you."
Adam says, "What's it going to cost me?"
God says, "Only an arm and a leg."
Adam thinks and replies, "That's kind of a steep price. What can I get for a rib?"
One day, God and Adam are walking the garden. God tells Adam, "It is time to for you and Eve to be frutiful and multiply."
"Lord, what is it to be frutiful and multiply?" asks Adam.
God replies, "You must lay with Eve and know her."
"Lord, what is 'know her'?" asks Adam.
God replies, "You must make love to Eve."
"Lord, what is 'make love'?" asks Adam.
God explains, and Adam smiles and takes Eve behind a bush. A few seconds later, Adam returns and asks, "Lord, what is a headache?"
On the second day, God says to Adam, "I have some good news and some bad news."
Adam replies, "Well, what's the good news?"
"The good news is that I have given you both a brain and a penis."
"And the bad news, Lord?"
"I'm only giving you enough blood to run one at a time."
Jesus is walking around heaven when he comes across an old, wizened man crying. Jesus approaches him and says, "What is there to cry about in Heaven, friend?"
The old man looks at him and says, "You don't understand. I was a carpenter in a small town. I had a son once, but I lost him. He wasn't like any other boy; he was very special. And he left me one day, never to return. I've been looking for him ever since. I'll know him when I see him, though, by the holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus, feeling a little lump in his throat, leans close and says, "Father?"
Awestruck, the old man replies, "Pinocchio?"
A man decides he's fed up with life and determines to become a monk and leave it all behind. He travels to a monastery high in the mountains and asks the abbot if he can join their brotherhood. The abbot tells him, "Before you join, you must know that we have all taken a very strict vow of silence. Once you are a member of our community, you are permitted to speak only two words every ten years."
The man agrees, and the abbot welcomes him. He is given a robe and a small room.
After the first decade passes, he is summoned before the abbot. "My brother," the abbot says, "you have done well these past ten years. What two words have you to say?"
"Bed's hard," the man replied. He crosses himself and leaves.
Ten more years pass. Once more, the man is summoned before the abbot. "Brother, what two words have you to say?"
"Food's lousy," the man replied. He crosses himself and leaves.
Another ten years pass. The abbot summons the monk and asks, "Brother, what two words have you to say?"
"I quit," he replies.
"You may as well quit," the abbot replies in a huff. "You've done nothing but complain since you came here!"
Noah opens up the ark and lets all the animals out, telling them, "Go forth and multiply."
He's closing the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes still on board. So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? Get on with you! Go forth and multiply."
"We can't," said the snakes. "We're adders."
Michael Flaherty enters the confessional one day and says to the priest, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I committed fornication with a woman three times this past Wednesday."
"That is a grave sin," says the priest. "I must know with whom you fornicated in order to absolve you. Tell me, was it Bridget O'Connor?"
"No, Father, it wasn't Bridget."
"Was it Margaret O'Malley?"
"No, Father, it wasn't Margaret."
"It was Rosie Fitzgerald, wasn't it, son?"
"No, Father, it wasn't Rosie neither."
"Well, I can't forgive you if you won't tell me her name. Get on with you, now."
Michael is leaving the church when he runs into his friend Seamus. "So, Mikey," Seamus asks, "Did the priest go forgiving you?"
"No," says Michael, "but he did go giving me three great leads."
A man walks into a church, steps into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, with four kids and eleven grandchildren. Last night I picked up two 18 year old girls while they were hitchhiking. Next thing you know, we had driven to a cheap motel, and there I made love with both of them, all night long."
The priest replies, "Well, when was the last time you made confession of your sins?"
"What confession? I'm Jewish."
"So then, what are you doing here, telling me this?"
"Hey, Father, I'm telling everybody!"
An editor dies at his desk and goes to that great beyond that all editors are destined for. As Satan is showing the new arrival around Hell, he stops at the edge of a great chasm and points down to the flames below. "Here's one of our special rooms."
The editor looks down and sees screaming men tied onto spits, roasting over large fires. They are being turned by hordes of giggling demons. The editor peers a little more closely at the men on the spits and exclaims, "Hey, wait—I know all those guys! There's Stan...and Bob...and there's Jim! We were all editors!"
The Devil chuckles. "Ah, yes. This is our special hell, just for editors. You'll be down there, too."
The editor peers again. "Okay, so this is where I'll be. What about those guys turning them on the spits? I don't recognize any of them."
"Them?" Satan replies. "Oh, those are all writers. But be a dear and don't say anything to them—they think they're in Heaven."
A copywriter passes on and meets Saint Peter in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter tells the copywriter, "Well, we have two special rooms specifically for copywriters in the afterlife. One's in Hell, and one's here in Heaven."
The copywriter shrugs and says, "Well, might as well see the worst one first. Let me see the one in Hell."
Leading him down, Saint Peter guides him to a door and lets him peek inside. The copywriter sees row upon of faceless hacks, all scribbling frantically as giant red devils lay into them with heavy whips. One particularly mean-looking demon presides over the scene, screaming at them, "The meeting's in five minutes! The meeting's in five minutes!"
The copywriter turns pale and slams the door. "I had enough of that in my earthly life! You'd better show me the copywriter room in Heaven."
Leading him back to Heaven, Saint Peter guides him to another door and lets him peek inside. In the second room, the copywriter sees row upon of faceless hacks, all scribbling frantically as giant red devils lay into them with heavy whips. One particularly mean-looking demon presides over the scene, screaming at them, "The meeting's in five minutes! The meeting's in five minutes!"
The copywriter slams the door and confronts Saint Peter. "This is supposed to be Heaven! I can't tell the difference between this and Hell!"
Saint Peter smiles and replies, "Well, up here, the work actually gets produced."
Three guys die on the same day and wind up together in line to see St. Peter at the gates. When their turns are called, St. Peter tells them, "You have to answer a question to get in here. What is the meaning of Easter?"
The first guy says, "Easter...Easter...that's when we gather with our families and eat a lot of turkey and cranberry sauce, right?"
"No!" St. Peter says angrily. "That's Thanksgiving! Get out of here!" The first guy shuffles away from the gates.
The second guy says, "Let's see...that's the holiday with the tree and lots of presents, right?"
"No!" St. Peter retorts. "That's Christmas! Get out of here!" The second guy shakes his head and walks away.
The last one says, "Okay, hmmm...there's a man...he's underground...and there's a big rock that gets rolled away...and he comes out...."
"Yes?" St. Peter nods approvingly. "Go on."
"And if he sees his shadow, there's six more weeks of winter, right?"
Two nuns are bicycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come this way before."
The second one shrugs and says, "Must be the cobbles...."
Three ministers are talking about how they treat the collection plate take. The first minister says, "I draw a circle on the floor and then toss the money in the air. Any money that lands in the circle goes to the church; whatever lands outside of it goes to me."
"That's pretty much my system," the second minister replies. "I draw a line on the floor and then toss the money in the air. Everything on one side goes to the church; everything on the other side goes to me."
The third minister nods, saying, "The way I do it, I toss the money in the air. Whatever God catches, He can keep!"
Three couples die at the same time and que up in the line for the pearly gates. The first couple approaches St. Peter, where he asks for the man's name. "John Smith," the man replies.
"John Smith," St. Peter repeats, flipping through his book. "John Smith, who was so in love with money that he wouldn't marry until he found a woman named Penny? You are banished to Hell, sir!"
The first couple leaves, dejected. When the second couple approaches, St. Peter again asks for the man's name. "Michael Jones," the second man replies.
"Michaell Jones?" St. Peter asks, looking through his book. "The same Michael Jones who was so in love with sweets that he wouldn't marry until he found a woman named Candy? You are banished to Hell, sir!"
Upon seeing this, the third man turns to his wife and says, "Come on, Fanny, we may as well start heading down now...."
The Pope lands at O'Hare for a week-long conference and hires a limo to take him into the city. As they approach the Eisenhower, the Pope asks the driver if he can take the wheel on the way to downtown. The driver agrees, and soon, the Pope is racing down I-294 with the limo driver enjoying a sandwich in the back seat.
A few miles down the road, however, the speeding limo is pulled over by a state trooper. The cop takes one look at the situation and radios in to police headquarters. He tells the chief that he's got a pretty important person on his hands.
The police chief asks, "Is he more important than the mayor?"
"Yes."
"Is he more important than the governor?"
"Yes."
"Is he more important than the president?"
"I think so."
"Come on! How important can he be?"
The cop warily replies, "I don't know, but he's got the Pope for a chauffeur."
The richest man in the world decides he wants to be blessed by the Pope at the Vatican. So he travels to Rome, gets in his finest suit, and goes to the Vatican to view the morning papal procession.
Sure enough, the Pope moves through the throng of people, and the man is close enough to stick out his hand for the Pope to take it, but the Pope moves right past him to stop in front of a dirty, ragged beggar a few feet away. The Pope takes the beggar's hand, whispers into his ear, and proceeds to walk away.
"Of course!" the rich man thought. "He's not going to stop for me if I'm dressed like this!"
The rich man follows the beggar as he leaves. Stopping the beggar in an alley, the rich man offers the beggar $1,000.00 if he'll trade clothes with him. The beggar agrees, and the two exchange outfits.
That afternoon, there is to be another papal procession. The rich man, now dressed like the beggar, moves to the front of the crowd and waits. The Pope comes back through the crowd, and according to plan, heads right for him. The Pope takes his hand, leans down, and whispers in his ear.
"I told you once already; I never want to see you in here again...."
While visiting the Grand Canyon, Bob loses his footing near the rim. Tumbling down, he catches hold of a small branch to keep from plummeting to the bottom.
"Help! Is there anybody up there?" he shouts.
A majestic voice booms through the canyon, saying, "I am the Lord your God. I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."
"Yes, yes, I trust you!" Bob cries.
"Let go of the branch," commands the voice.
After a long pause, Bob looks skyward again and shouts, "Is there anyone else up there I could talk to?"
A Protestant moves into a predominantly Catholic neighborhood. Everyone is friendly, however, until the first Friday; the Protestant breaks out his grill and throws a couple of steaks on. This goes on every Friday, and the man's Catholic neighbors are having fits smelling the aroma wafting from his backyard when everyone is trying to stick to fish.
The neighbors finally get together to discuss what to do about the Protestant. One of the neighbors says, "Hey, why don't we convert him? He couldn't eat meat on Fridays then!"
So, the neighbors all set about trying to convert the man to Catholicism. They take him to the masses, they introduce him to the priest, and they constantly point out the benefits of being Catholic. After a while, the Protestant man relents and goes to be baptised at the cathedral. In the ceremony, the priest dips his hand in the fontanel and splashes him three times, saying, "You were born a Protestant, raised a protestant, and now, you're a Catholic."
Everyone in the neighborhood waits for the next Friday. Sure enough, the newly baptised neighbor breaks out his grill, and they smell the aroma of steak wafting over the fence. His neighbors, eager to break the bad news about meatless Fridays to him, go to the man's gate, where they see him with a water bowl standing over the grill.
As he splashes the steak with water, the man pronounces, "You were born a steer, raised a steer, and now, you're a fish."
A newly ordained priest, fresh out of seminary, is a little nervous about his first day in the confessional. He asks the senior priest to sit in on his sessions. After the first few, the older priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The older priest says, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."
The younger priest tries this.
The older priest follows this with, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on,' and 'I understand, how did you feel about that?'"
The younger priest repeats them several times, nodding.
"Now," the older priest says, "don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"
A newly ordained minister is talking with the senior pastor of his church about his upcoming first sermon to the congregation. He is very nervous about it, and the senior pastor tells him, "There's a trick I've used on occasions when I've been really nervous about speaking in front of people. Take a glass of vodka to the pulpit with you. The congregation will think it's your water glass, an no one will be the wiser for it. If you get nervous, have a few sips to relax."
The young minister thanks the senior pastor and prepares for his sermon. The advice works, and the minister gets through the sermon without a hitch. The next day, however, he arrives at his church office to find a note tacked to his door from the senior pastor.
It reads, "You managed to get past the nervousness. Now, here's a few pointers for your next sermon:
"1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp it.
"2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
"3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
"4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
"5. Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not bet his ass.
"6. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
"7. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his disciples as 'J.C. and the boys.'
"8. We do not refer to the Holy Trinity as 'Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.'
"9. We do not refer to the Virgin Mary as 'Mary with the Cherry.'
"10. Next Sunday, there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's."
The town drunk stumbles upon a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. Seeing all the people in the river, he proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister takes notice of him and says, "Brother, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Well, mister preacher, I reckon so."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "And have you now found Jesus?" the preacher asks.
"No sir, can't say as I did." the drunkard replies.
The preacher dunks him under again, this time a bit longer, then brings him up and asks, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Not yet, mister preacher, not yet."
The preacher, now angry, holds the man under for a good thirty seconds before bringing him back up. The preacher asks in a harsh tone, "For the love of God, brother, have you found Jesus yet?"
The drunkard wipes his eyes and asks, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Several centuries ago, the Pope decides that all the Jews have to leave Rome. Naturally there is a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope makes a deal. He'll have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew wins, the Jews can stay. If the Pope wins, the Jews leave the city.
The Jewish community meets and picks an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, can't speak Latin and the Pope can't speak Yiddish. So it's decided that this will be a "silent" debate. The Pope agrees, and a date is set.
The day of the great debate comes. Moishe and the Pope sit opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raises his hand and shows three fingers. Moishe looks back at him and raises one finger. The Pope then waves his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe points to the ground where he sits. The Pope pulls out a wafer and a chalice of wine. Moishe pulls out an apple.
The Pope stands up and says, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals are all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope says, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowds around Moishe. "What happened?" they ask.
"Well," says Moishe, "first he says that the Jews have three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he tells me that this whole city's going to be cleared of Jews. I told him that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asks a woman.
"I don't know," says Moishe. "We broke for lunch, and then he said we could stay."
A man is standing before the pearly gates. St. Peter approaches him.
"What's your name?" he asks.
"John Smith" the man replies.
St. Peter flips through his book. "You don't have much of a record here," he says. "It takes an awful lot of good to get into Heaven, you know. Did you do anything noteworthy in your former life?"
"Well," the man replies, "this one time, I ran into a dozen Hell's Angels that were harassing this young lady. She was really scared, so I stepped up, punched the biggest biker right in the chops, and told them to leave that girl alone."
"Wow!" says St. Peter. "Now that's impressive! When did this happen?"
Looking at his watch, the man replies, "Oh, about five minutes ago."
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So one day, she goes down to the wall and introduces herself to the old man.
She asks him, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that, and what are you praying for?"
The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning, I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."
The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.
The old man calmly replies, "Like I'm talking to a wall."