Vicious Q & A
Q: Which is more vicious, a piranha or a redhead?
A: The redhead; piranha only feed in schools.
Q: What's the difference between dating a redhead and sticking your hand in a blender?
A: You've got a 50-50 chance the blender isn't on.
Q: What sits on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck.
Q: What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: "Make me one with everything."
Q: What did the hot dog vendor say when the Buddhist asked for his change?
A: "Change comes from within."
Q: What do you get when you cross a dyslexic and a Jehovah's Witness?
A: Someone who goes around at eight o'clock Saturday morning spreading the word of "dog."
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
A: He sold his soul to Santa.
Q: What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
A: National Dyslexics Association.
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up like an alter boy.
Q: Why don't they have sex education and driver's education on the same day in Arab schools?
A: It's too hard on the camel.
Q: What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?
A: Stand back—I don't know how big this thing gets!
Q: What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?
A: I don't care—you are not sticking that thing in me!
Q: Hear about the new Madonna stamp?
A: It licks itself.
Q: Why do women smile as they walk down the aisle?
A: Because they've given their last blowjob.
Q: Why do men smile as they walk down the aisle?
A: Because they don't know it.
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Q: What's the difference between the Pope and your boss?
A: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.
Q: What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q: What's the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium. Eight inches is rare.
Q: What do you see when the Pilsbury Doughboy bends over?
A: Doughnuts.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A: With a porcupine, the prick is on the outside.
Q: How do you get a bunch of old ladies to yell "Fuck!" out loud?
A: Yell "Bingo!"
Q: What's the difference between northern zoos and southern zoos?
A: The descriptions on the animal exhibits at northern zoos don't include suggested recipes.
Q: How many rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum?
A: Three. One to eat the 'possum, and two to watch either way for cars.
Q: What do rednecks wear to weddings?
A: Formal camouflage.
Q: What are the three most diffcult years for a redneck?
A: Second grade.
Q: How do you turn a fox into a bulldog?
A: Marry her.
Q: How do you turn your dishwasher into a snowplow?
A: Give her a shovel.
Q: Why do brides wear white at their weddings?
A: All major kitchen appliances come in white.
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.
Q: How can you tell the head nurse at the hospital?
A: By the dirt on her knees.
Q: What's the difference between a Jewish mother and a Rottweiler?
A: The Rottweiler eventually lets go.
Q: What do you say when you catch your best friend in bed with your wife?
A: Bad dog!
Q: What do you call a sorority girl with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: Did you hear about the veterinarian whose hobby is taxidermy?
A: Either way, you get your dog back.
Q: What's scarier than a pit bull with the clap?
A: The guy who gave it to him.
Q: What has four legs and an arm?
A: A happy pit bull.
Q: Why does a dog lick himself?
A: Because he can't make a fist.
Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A: To put out fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To put out burning ducks.
Q: Why did God create economists?
A: So weathermen wouldn't look quite so bad.
Q: What's an actuary?
A: An accountant without the great sense of humor.
Q: What three streets in Chicago rhyme with vagina?
A: Melvina, Paulina, and Lunt.
Q: How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the light bulb, and the other to rotate the penis—I mean, ladder! Ladder!
Q: What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A: Their army!
Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ve are asking ze qvestions here!
Q: How do you keep an Englshman happy in his old age?
A: Tell him a joke when he's young.
Q: Where does an Irishman go on a vacation?
A: A new bar.
Q: Where did the phrase, "one potato, two potato, three potato, four," originate?
A: Bidding at an Irish auction.
Q: What's eight miles long and has an IQ of 40?
A: The St. Patrick's Day Parade.
Q: Why do men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away!
Q: What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.
Q: Which of the following items doesn't belong: herpes. gonnorhea, condominiums, HIV?
A: Gonnorhea. You can get rid of it.
Q: Where do you go when your hand falls off?
A: To the second-hand store!
Q: What did George W. Bush get on his SATs?
A: Drool.
Q: What does the "N" on a Nebraska football helmet stand for?
A: Knowledge.
Q: What do you get when you cross a monkey with a UNC graduate?
A: A dumb monkey.
Q: Did you hear about the Duke student who transferred to UNC?
A: He raised the IQ at both schools.
Q: How many UNC freshmen does it tak to change a light bulb?
A: None; that's a sophomore class at UNC.
Q: What's the difference between garbage and a girl from New Jersey?
A: Sometimes garbage gets picked up.
Q: What do you call a pretty girl in New Jersey?
A: A tourist.
Q: Why can't girls from New Jersey use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.
Q: Why is pubic hair curly?
A: Because if it were straight, it would poke your eyes out.
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: "How the heck do you breathe through that thing?"
Q: How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?
A: Reading the waffle iron.
Q: How did Helen Keller burn her ear?
A: Answering the iron.
Q: How did Helen Keller burn her face?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
Q: How did Helen Keller's mother punish her?
A: Rearranging the furniture.
Q: How did Helen Keller meet her husband?
A: Blind date.
Q: Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?
A: Her dog was blind, too.
Q: How did Helen Keller go crazy?
A: Trying to read a stucco wall.
Q: Did you hear about Helen Keller's new book?
A: Around the Block in Eighty Days.
Q: What's Helen Keller's favorite color?
A: Corduroy.