Musician Jokes
Q: How many musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four. One to do it, and three to say, "Ah, I could do that."
Q: What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: What's the difference between a musician and a savings bond?
A: One of them eventually matures and earns money.
Q: What's the difference between a frog hitching by the side of the road and a musician hitching by the side of the road?
A: The frog might be on his way to a gig.
Q: How do you get two jazz musicians to play in unison?
A: Shoot one.
Q: What's the definition of an optimist?
A: A musician with a mortgage.
Q: Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?
A: Because most shops close by six thirty.
Q: What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
A: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
Q: What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
A: New Age music.
Q: What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A: The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.
Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a kidnapper?
A: You can negotiate with a kidnapper.
Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
A: Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.
Q: What's the definition of an alto?
A: A soprano who can sightread.
Q: What do you see if you look up a soprano's skirt?
A: A tenor.
Q: What's the definition of a male quartet?
A: Three men and a tenor.
Q: How do you get a guitarist to stop playing?
A: Put sheet music in front of him.
Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a guitar player.
Q: What is the difference between a 12-string guitar and a '57 Chevy?
A: You can tune a '57 Chevy.
Q: What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A: A 12-string guitarist tuning unison strings.
Q: What is the definition of a half step?
A: Two 12-string guiars playing in unison.
Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: Why do rock bands have roadies?
A: To act as interpreters for the drummer.
Q: How can you tell when the drum riser is perfectly level?
A: The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
Q: Why do drummers need towels on stage?
A: Drum kits don't have spit valves.
Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When you throw a drummer out the window and he lands on an accordian player.
Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A: With a drum machine, you only have to punch the information in once.
Q: What do you call a guy who hangs around with the band?
A: A bass player.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one—but the guitarist has to show him first.
Q: How do you make a bass sound in tune?
A: Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who can play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the bagpipe recital.
Q: How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one—but once he does, you'll realize you prefer the dark.
Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.
Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: It's harder to shoot a moving target.
Q: What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: The viola burns longer.
Q: What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.
Q: What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A: A fiddle is fun to listen to.
Q: What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A: No one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
Q: How long does a harp stay in tune?
A: About 20 minutes, or until someone opens a door.
Q: What is a burning oboe good for?
A: Setting a bassoon on fire.
Q: How can you tell that there's a vocalist at your front door?
A: She forgot the key and doesn't know when to come in.
Q: How can you tell that there's a drummer at your front door?
A: The knocking gets faster and faster.
Q: How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
A: The doorbell shrieks.
Q: How do you know when a trombone player is at your front door?
A: The doorbell drags.
Q: How can you tell that there's an accordionist at your front door?
A: He doesn't stop knocking even after you answer.
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
A: Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.
Q: What's the difference between a trombone and a lawn mower?
A: People would get upset if you borrowed a lawn mower and didn't return it.
Q: What's the difference between a tuba and a chain saw?
A: The exhaust.
Q: What's the difference between a trombone and a chain saw?
A: Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.
Q: How can you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Stick your hand in the bell and miss every other note.
An anthropologist arrives in the deep jungles of the Amazon to study some primitive local tribes. A guide leads him through the jungle on the way toward their first village, a week's trek away. At dusk of the first day, the two men make camp in a small clearing. They're sitting by the campfire when the sound of drums in the distance interrupts the silence. The anthropologist looks at his guide and says, "I don't like the sound of those drums."
As the dusk turns to evening, the drums get louder. The anthropologist repeats, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."
Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get closer and louder, until it seems that they're surrounded. The anthropologist grabs his guide's arm and says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums!"
Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, "Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!"
A missionary arrives at a remote village in Africa to spread the good word. Upon disembarking, he hears drums beating wildly in the distance. The missionary finds the chief of the village and asks him what the drums mean.
The chief simply replies, "Drums play, good. Drums stop, very bad."
The drumming continues, day and night, until one evening, the missionary wakes up in his hut to silence. He runs from his hut to find the chief frantically pacing in the center of the village. The missionary says, "Chief! The drums have stopped! What does that mean?"
The chief looks nervously into the distance and says, "Bass solo."
St. Peter is at the pearly gates when three new arrivals approach him. He asks the first man, "What did you do when you were alive?"
The man says, "I was a doctor."
St. Peter says, "Okay, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do when you were alive?"
"I was a school teacher," the next man replies.
"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do when you were alive?"
The man says, "I was a musician."
"Okay. Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen...."